5 Places You SHOULDN'T Pull Out Your Thomas Pynchon Book

Number 5: Funerals

 I personally express my grief through reading and learning. When my daddy died, the first thing I did was teach myself how to yodel. When my favorite pet died, it inspired me to learn about the history of Soviet filmmaking. And so when my girlfriend's brother unfortunately passed away from liver failure, my brain was all like “learning mode activated”. So this time, I got the urge to indulge myself more into the creative elements that spawned later out of World War II. And what better way to do that then to crack open Thomas Pynchon’s 1973 novel, Gravity’s Rainbow.

    This puppy took me a while to get through. And the unfortunate timing that my girlfriend’s brother's funeral would take place during the final twenty pages I had left of my book. Well I guess you can already figure where this is heading. I tried to act like I was crying by putting my head down so I could secretly finish the book. But I was really gassy that day which attracted a lot of attention. Long story short they all yelled at me and kicked me out. And now my girlfriend starts to doze off almost every time I talk to her. So I highly recommend you focus your attention on the funeral because a lot of money goes into those things!

Number 4: The Kitchen

 I think it goes without saying that Thomas Ruggles Pynchon is an untapped talent. Not many people know about him and his timeless genius. So it’s important to treat his literature with extreme delicacy and care. And one way to do that is keep his books out of the kitchen!

 The other day I was cooking spaghetti and meatballs for my daughter and her new cool boyfriend. I was bored out of my freaking mind so I flipped to a random page in my extremely rare edition of Inherent Vice to help speed the time up (like Barry Allen or like Adam Sandler from Click) but then out of nowhere the marinara sauce started to pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Then I look down at my novel and now there’s a bunch of red pasta sauce all over it. Uh oh…

“Bragging rights is a form of currency”. This is a saying that runs through the blood of my family. So if you have the 2009 version of Pynchon's Inherent Vice and you want to tell people about it and show it off, make sure it’s on a bookshelf. Oh yeah, and also make sure it’s far far away from the spaghetti sauce.

Number 3 : The Breakroom

 Believe it or not, freelance journalism is not my only line of work. I work as a computer guy for a company that crunches numbers, but if you can’t already tell, my heart is with literature. 

So it really hurt my feelings when young Keean from accounting made fun of me while I was reading Pynchon’s debut masterpiece V. A great book by a great man. Young Keean tricked me by pretending he was interested in what I was reading, but then he called over his friend Fred, the office intern, and I knew there was duplicitous intent. They asked what the “V” title stood for, and before I could begin explaining the metaphor of the character, they both yelled “VAGINA” in my face. Spit all over. The worst part is I got in trouble with my boss for the ruckus. So don’t pull out Pynchon on the clock.

Number 2 : Women's Film Festival

 If you happen to be at the 23rd annual Orange County Women’s Film Festival, just sit and listen quietly. Especially when the films that play have quiet sound design and center around “traumatic” events. DON”T pull out your copy of The Crying of Lot 49 because the women might be offended. Even when you explain that you wanted to show your bud the funny name of a character, they still might find it rude and ask you to leave. 

 When you explain the name of the character is “Tony Jaguar” they still might not understand, so it’s best to leave the book inside your blazer pocket, and watch the films respectfully. 

Number 1 : Camping trip with your daughter

Just don’t do it. Especially if you’ve had trouble connecting with her since she started high school and asked you to stop joint custody. If she’s on her phone the whole time you are setting up the tent, remain calm – DON'T call her a screen junky in frustration – she will be very upset and ask to go home to her mom. 

Once you’ve started the fire and set up all the S’more ingredients, make sure you don’t interrupt her face time by jumping around like a maniac yelling “SMORE TIME SMORE TIME SMORE TIME” because she will be embarrassed and start crying. Finally when she comes out to tell you you’ve ruined her life and she’s thankful for her step dad Greg, for stepping up, providing stability, and making your ex-wife feel loved, don’t pull out your copy of Pynchon’s Vineland. Even if the redwoods remind you of the fictitious trees in Vineland County. Even if you think your relationship with your daughter resembles Zoyd and Prairie, she will never read the copy you got her on her 12th birthday, so don’t pull out the book.